On Motivation And Waiting For The Big Moment

[ Image by erinrena ]

12:48 am

Saturday

Tonight I curl up lazily with cold hands in front of my computer wondering my motivation and the driving force of my conscious steps towards the successful life I want to lead. It’s been cold and rainy at my corner of the world, and I call it night though it’s morning because this is my night. My eyes have known the light of day for the past long hours. Far from my home with a couple of church friends on a retreat, it’s been a tedious day of giving and receiving. Oh yes tedious. At a point during the ordeal, I wanted to hold my eyes and cry hard while sharing with the group at a point, but a thought that swam in my mind for some hours some days back just seemed to surface instantly, showing up it head: we can’t give what we don’t have but sometimes it’s a hard process giving what you already have.

Right now that the day is over and I’m at a reading desk deep into my night, a friend which I’m sharing the room with is playing off Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit on the iPad and seriously I want to scream from my desk to the only Friend I know that would understand such a question of the heart. I want to scream ‘Why do I feel that way at times? Why is it sometimes hard to process the treasures of knowledge gleaned from the house whose foundation is built in wisdom? Why? But two things stop me. One, I would be screaming at the wall and that is a situation in itself. My friend would just simply freak out. It not so good screaming at walls when it’s not only you in a room, ask those who have tried it, honestly you wouldn’t find them. In fact if you do, you might just not get an answer to your question. You might just get a scream. And two, why scream at the wall? My Friend who understands the deep questions of my heart no one might understand is not the wall. He is Jesus. Though I might not see him with my eyes, he is not the walls. He is beyond the walls and He will be even when these walls have fallen.

I will wait for another day to see why sometimes it’s a hard process giving what we have. But why do I do the things I do. What’s my motivation? Why have I chosen to take the hard walk on the road to success? Why have I and am I choosing to do the hard things very few people are doing? Why am I still awake, reading blogs and typing away when my contemporaries are fast asleep? Why? Sometimes I feel foolish and I just stop. 'Nobody is doing it'. 'Life is not that hard'. I whisper to myself. But it’s in moment like that I receive grace to remember that I haven’t been to the end. But the ones who have been to the end I have consulted.

I remember inviting Barack Obama into my bedroom one cold evening. The monsoon rains were lifting and I was caught in a cold that was not my own. It just didn’t fit me. I am always rendered useless when I have a cold. I crawled under my carton colored blanket and I picked up a copy of Dreams from my father (President Obama’s Memoir which he wrote and published when ‘no one’ knew him). I was in a strange land serving my country which is required once one graduates from college or university or else I would have preferred by chocolate brown duvet a gift from my paternal grandmother (who is now late). It is thick and fluffy and would have absorbed more of the cold the rain brought but the idea of always considering it smart to travel light made me switch for the carton coloured blanket which was less bulky and also a gift from her. So on that very day I cherished it. I folded my legs in and cherished it as Barack Obama came in to my room to tell me how he gave voluntary service without end in the neglected suburbs of Chicago. How he heard the voices of those whose cries had been neglected by the government. How he encouraged when no one knew. How he gave hope to mothers with troubled sons when no one cared.

Please tell me friends, who doesn’t start small? Please remind me, which farmer reaps in a farmland he hasn’t sown. I remember that day, as I closed the book, night was setting in. I stepped to my window and looked out at the forming moon. Shaken by Barack’s story, I whispered in to the night “whatever it takes. I want to be’.

Several months have passed by now and I’m still contemplating an old question. The old question that made me curled up nights upon nights with Rick Warren’s purpose driven life. The old question that made me pledged that I would read it at least once a year. And somehow, just somehow, this writing brings the answer to the surface again. I find out here in a room far from my room ( my friend’s still playing Hot Pursuit on the iPad) that the best way to answer this very question is to tackle first head-on the ready answers I’m given by the world. So here we go.

Is it because some don’t believe that I can and I want to prove that I can?

That’s a no no for me. Sometimes back it used to be why. I wanted to show the people that didn’t believe in me that they were liars. But I can’t. That’s a cheap dream to waste a life on. I have learnt from a wise sage somewhere somehow; haters are to be pitied and sincerely prayed for and seriously I have started doing that and honestly, I’m on it.

I could go on, listing the answer choices the world gives me but tonight I’m thankful that the truth surfaces. Simple reason to the question is because ‘I want to’ and that friends changes everything; the desire that keeps burning in me to be all that I can be. On evenings after some stormy days after I have struggled on my life’s significance and the chaos is resolved, my eyes sometimes suddenly open to the truth that I am significant, my life matters, in the words of C.S. Lewis, I have an unique answer to a unique problem that would remain unsolved if I don’t step in and save the day. It’s in moments like this I know with a certainty that this desire wasn’t placed there by me. There’s a greater power fueling this burning desire. God has set me in motion to settle a part of the commotion.

It’s this drive that drives me to make every moment big in preparing for the BIG moment. Friends, our big moment would come but I must say ; if we haven’t learnt the art of transforming our most mundane and ordinary moment to big moments in the place of preparation, our BIG moment might just pass us by. Reason: We could not realize it for what it was.

"The ability to see the dream we have been given is refined in the hidden place. The man who wants the dream to become a reality keeps seeing even when others can't see a thing. And preparation helps us see better"

Question Of the day:

What seeds in your hands are in need of sowing or are you a farmer expecting to reap in a land you haven't sown?